Cameras

It's been a busy few weeks since Easter, between work and school and other obligations, I haven't felt like I've had a whole lot of "sit" time. But, about a week after Easter I realized my camera was missing. I couldn't find it anywhere. We had gone to Iowa for Easter, so after a week+ of searching, I was convinced I'd somehow lost it in the travel there or back.

Monday, my mother returned to Iowa to put flowers on my Grandmother's grave for her birthday. She also helped my Grandpa by going through some of my Grandmother's things. Tuesday was my birthday, and my Mom brought me back a little something of my Grandma's: her Polaroid camera. She brought this for me not because I'd lost my camera, but because I'd loved that little (or rather, big!) Polaroid and that's about the only camera I can remember my Grandma using.

My Grandma bought my a Polaroid camera for Christmas one year, and though I used it as much as possible, it's long since been gone or shoved in a box somewhere after multiple moves and the advance of technology.

After lunch with R. and my parents and having Mom give me the camera, I had to go to class. As I was driving I was thinking about how this old, clunky Polaroid came into my life when my camera was missing--and wasn't that just a bit of a coincidence? Hadn't my Grandma always had a way with filling whatever particular void I was feeling. The thought made me happy.

I got to class a bit early, so sat in the hall and pulled out a book to read. I realized I couldn't find my cell phone, so I was pawing through my purse, when I felt something in the zippered pouch I so rarely use.

My camera.

The moment I felt okay about losing the camera, I found it. The moment I'd felt as if my Grandma's presense was a tangible thing, the camera reappeared. It was as good a birthday present as any.

Spring is REALLY here

Wow, real spring weather finally arrived and I'm practically giddy with it. It's not too hot like it was in March, but not too cold like the winter we had in April. It's sunny, sixties with a cool enough breeze to necessitate a jacket. My favorite kind of weather.

I've been getting my seedlings transplanted in pots, hoping the meager sun and meager space will do well enough for some of them to give something. I'm not looking for enough to live off of by any means, but a tomato or pepper or two would be nice. My strawberry seedlings never popped up, so that was a bit disappointing. I might see if I can find a strawberry plant somewhere instead of trying to grow them from seed.

I'm eagerly awaiting the opening of a farmer's market down the street. It's not quite close enough to walk to, but it is close enough that it makes sense to make regular trips for fruits and vegetables, instead of getting them from the grocery store. And, it's on the way to the grocery store, so it makes sense to stop by there first, then continue on to the store for other necessities. I am very excited about supporting some local farmers and getting some delicious, healthy food out of the deal!

I want to start making my own bread, though admitedly I am a bit intimidated by the whole process. It seems like bread takes a lot of patience, and I do not have a wealth of that! But, I think that will be my project for this weekend/week.

I've fallen off my projects lately. Funks and fogs are not really conduscive to making changes. So, I've been indulging in things like kiwis from Greece and fast food and sitting around, ignoring all the little things I should do. I'm trying to break out of that and get myself together. I need to get back on track with all aspects of my life, being more conscientious in my environmental decisions is just a small part of that.

Hopefully this weather will help get my butt in gear =)

My Soapbox on Violence

I have tried not to think much about the Virginia Tech tragedy. As someone who attends a University as a Masters student, someone who will be teaching in a high school come fall, someone with large amounts of friends and family doing both those things, it's hard to think about without becoming afraid as much as sad. So, it's easier to cope with the things I have to do by putting it away.

But, it's easier said than done, and what keeps coming back to my mind when I hear about this horrible tragedy, is an essay I often use for a lesson plan I teach for creative nonfiction. I use this essay because it addresses the Columbine High School shooting, it adresses violence--and all these things are pertinent not just to everyone--but especially to young people who should be able to go to school without fear, but many cannot.

The essay is from the book of essays Small Wonder by Barbara Kingsolver. It is called, "Life is Precious, Or Its Not." I don't know that I agree with everything Kingsolver discusses in her essay, it's still an issue I'm working out on where I stand--but regardless of that stand I think we all need to think about violence and how we approach it in our homes and as a society. And, I think this paragraph that ends her essay is something that should be taken into consideration.

"For all of us who are clamoring for meaning, aching for the loss of these precious young lives in Littleton to mean something, my strongest instinct is to use the event to nail a permanent benchmark into our hearts: Life is that precious, period. It is possible to establish zero tolerance for murder as a solution to anything. Those of us who agree to this contract can start by removing from our households and lives every television program, video game, film, book, toy and CD that presents the killing of humans (however symbolic) as an entertainment option, rather than the apalling loss it really is..... Sound extreme? Let's be honest. DEATH is extreme, and the children are paying attention."

Really, I could quote the whole essay, because it raises some tough, tough questions that I myself can't even answer. When I have children, I don't know that I'll have the mindset to rid every movie and video game and CD that depicts killing. But, I think in this Kingsolver makes an excellent point, so much out there depicts killing, murder, violence--think of how hard it would be to rid your lives of it.

We are bombarded with images--on TV, news, movies, papers, and so on and so on of death. It's not all used as "entertainment" per se. And it's not all "bad" in my mind, but when we see nothing but death, I can't help but feel we come desensitized to it.

For example, I was watching a show on the history channel about the JFK assasination and it showed a clip of the Oliver Stone film JFK, where the moment the bullet hits JFK's head is repeated over and over. My stomach turned, I looked away, but I also found myself looking back--a little squeamish, but overall intranced. Consequently, watching the Discovery Earth show, I can't bear to watch another animal kill another animal. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Again, I come to no real, concrete answers. Only the question that I think Kingsolver puts so eloquently in her essay: "Why would any student, however frustrated with mean-spirited tormentors, believe that bombs and guns were the answer?" Why does ANYONE feel that guns and bombs are the answer? What does death, violence, strife solve?

And I think, in the wake of continuing tragedy, not just here in the US, not just in our schools, but across the world, we need to start attempting to answer these questions--face these difficult questions with truth and fact and honesty, and then work toward answers.

I don't believe we can eradicate violence from this Earth. I don't think bad things will ever cease to happen, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. That doesn't mean we shouldn't attempt to change things--and I don't mean just attempting to make our schools safer--I mean trying to change this mindset that murder is an answer. We can install metal detectors, give kids ID badges, guard the school with police with guns--but I think if anything history proves it's that there's always a way to get around the precautions we throw up.

Change is not about fixing what we do--it's about fixing how we think.

With It, I'm Not

I guess I'm going through some sort of delayed winter funk (since it's very nearly winter temperatures here). I'm feeling foggy, down, and just not with it. I imagine that's how the poor huddling tulips feel in this dreary, cold, windy weather. Where's the sun to come cheer us up?

April has long been my favorite month. It usually had Easter, sometimes Spring Break--which meant a trip to my Grandma T's, always my Birthday, and my Grandma's birthday a day before mine.

My Grandma passed away last July. She had been sick for a long time, but it was and is still very hard. I had a very special relationship with my Grandma and I'm not sure there's a day that goes by now that I don't think about her in one way or another.

April brings those memories to the forefront even moreso than perhaps any other time in the past months since she's been gone. Even when I couldn't visit, April was always our month. We'd talk about what wildflowers were blooming in her woods, what the sunsets were looking like. When I'd visit we'd hunt for Dutchman's Britches, violets, Spring Beauties, Anemones, and any other early bloomer. In the evening, we'd sit on her couch in front of her large window and watch the sun set over the wooded hill. I was her only Grandchild that really got into the wildflowers and the sunsets and the hikes through wet woods. And, now that she's gone I don't have anyone to share that with.

Maybe that's as much the funk I'm in than anything else, I'm missing that time with her and feeling a bit empty because of it.


Violets at My Grandma's house a few years ago:

Easter At My House

Generally, this is how we spend Easter at my parent's house. Girls--in kitchen making tons of sugar cookies. Dad--in basement watching sports (Although I do join him when it's time to clean up hehe).










The sugar cookie making is a bit of a tradition. I still remember making sugar cookies with my Grandma, and my Mom uses her Grandma's recipe that she remembers making with her. Though we make them all times of year, I think I enjoy the Easter cookies the most. Something about the images of spring is nice and uplifting. Not to mention, there aren't a million other deserts to be eaten (like with Christmas).

And, it was nice right now to be doing something that felt springy. Looking out at the poor, huddled, wind-blown tulips this morning was not very uplifting. The wind still blew, and they looked like little bunches of people shivering and huddled together. A sad sight.

Tomorrow I'll be heading up to Iowa where it will be even colder--bundled up in sweaters and coats for Easter church service at my Grandparents.

I'm ready for Spring to come--not Summer--not Winter... SPRING!

Oh, hello, little blog

I haven't felt very blogger-y lately. I just don't know what to say. And, this is not restricted to simply the blog. I kind of feel like my brain is only loosely connected to the rest of me. So, I walk along going through the motions of my normal life, while the brain sloshes around in my head.

We're getting some spring thunderstorms here and it looks like we're in for a nice cold snap that will likely bite all that has bloomed in these weeks of abnormally warm temperatures (So warm that the Daffodills and Magnolia trees only bloomed for a few days before they petered out).

I'm finding it hard to believe it's April, that this year is just about 1/4 over.